Exactly one year ago, we took Johann on our first backpacking trip as a family. Just a few days before we left, we were speaking with a couple we had recently met. They have a kid who is only a few months older than Johann, so I was expecting some sort of reaction when we excitedly shared our weekend plans. After the initial response of “Oh, you’re so brave for attempting to take a baby backpacking,” the other mom immediately said that she would never do this with her own child, and would never even go camping either. We asked why, and she shared a few stories from her childhood, when her parents had dragged her and her siblings along on long uncomfortable backpacking trips. She recalled that one of those had been a thirty-mile trip over five nights, and she had been ten or twelve years old at the time. It was easy to see that she had not enjoyed any of this as a child, even if it had been great fun for her parents.
Hmm…
The conversation with this other parent was a year ago, but it left an impression on me. It made me question my own motivation for bringing Johann along on the activities that Ryan and I enjoy. After all, I remember plenty of times from my own childhood when I’ve had to go along with stuff that was fun for my parents or extended family that I had no say in, found absolutely boring, and sometimes dreaded. So does Ryan. So do a lot of our friends. Sure, now that we are parents ourselves, we get it. But that also means we know how miserable our kid is going to feel when he gets dragged along to do something and he’s still too young to understand its purpose. And, I’m not talking about the boring things we all have to do to keep our lives running smoothly. I’m talking about good stuff. The hobbies and activities we pursue, ways in which we replenish our souls and derive joy.
Hmm…
What if my kid grows up to hate the stuff we do? What if my kid grows up to hate my ways?
Every parent asks this question at some point in his or her life. Maybe you’ve got older kids, or fully grown kids, and are facing this question in a different way. Or maybe you don’t worry about it. Or maybe your wisdom and perspective in parenting allows you to have peace about it. But it keeps me up at night.
What if the things we find most meaningful are absolutely boring to our kids? What if the choices we make, the lives we lead, our very values, end up being completely rejected by our kids when they grow up? As responsible parents or parents-to-be, we take a huge leap off a cliff. We pour our hearts and souls into our children, making immeasurable sacrifices of our own for them, with the same end goal in mind, hoping they will fly the coop someday as responsible, capable, ethical adult citizens who have a solid foundation, and whose choices make us proud. And there is absolutely no guarantee of how things will turn out. It’s a huge risk we take, becoming parents. Probably the biggest risk we’ll ever take.
But we do it anyway. Why?
Because it’s worth it. Because our kids are worth it.
Ryan was less rattled by the woman’s story. He pointed out that in the world of a very young child, fun is paramount. Sure, it makes sense. Before children can understand the purpose of an activity, they need to be somehow engaged in the activity, and they won’t stay engaged in the activity if they’re not having fun or being properly challenged. Eventually, Johann will have opinions of his own. He will have hobbies and interests of his own that may very well turn out to be entirely different than our own. And, eventually, he will have a say in the things that we do as a family. How we listen to, encourage, and support our kids, and how we do family adventures then will be a good test of parenthood.
Right now, Johann is only eighteen months old. So, when we’re out, he is fascinated by everything. His entire visible world is one amazing place simply waiting for discovery. On hikes, he spends long minutes gazing up at the forest canopy in wonder. He is happy to play with sticks, dirt, and mud especially. (What’s up with the mud fascination, anyway?) He squeals with glee every time we see a waterfall or rushing river. He gets very excited and flaps his arms when we see wildlife, heck, he even loves on the dogs we see at the park or on trails (whether or not they reciprocate). His world is very simple right now. He has no choice but to come along with us on our adventures, and fortunately for us he seems to be enjoying them as much as we are.
I’ve been wondering when things will get more complicated, as I know they will.
It seems silly, really, to worry about things over which I have no control. Because, at the end of the day, would I really change what I do, how I parent, out of fear?
I do what I do because of my values, my core beliefs. My why. Exploring, appreciating, and being a good steward of the world around me are key components of those values. These are things I greatly hope Johann will value someday, too, when he’s old enough to understand. Until then he will be growing up as an active participant of his parents’ world. And so, we’ll keep exposing him to the things we reasonably can, big or small, while trying to balance our sanity. But I see families who swing the pendulum too far to the other extreme, too. And that seems unbalanced. We personally don’t enjoy running around a lot. My husband is a classic introvert and, while I am not, we both truly enjoy being home and like our quiet evenings! But we do want to give Johann the chance to sample things even Ryan and I have no strong interest or ability in, things like organized sports, and things that we enjoy and appreciate but did not seriously pursue, like drama and music. Of course, we’ll teach him the things we enjoy. Ryan can’t wait to give Johann his first set of woodworking tools, and I am waiting to teach him basic cooking. Of course we’ll keep getting outside. We’ll keep traveling. We’ll keep exploring. We’ll try to make sure Johann is still enjoying himself, learning, having fun, and discovering his why along the way. So when he is old enough to have his own opinions and forge his own path, we hope to be able to guide him well. And, maybe then, the question that keeps me up at night will be a mere memory.
Have you asked yourself this same question? How do you handle it, and how do you curb the fear it induces?
I think we all have to do things we don’t like (chores?) but a 35 mile hike over several days is a long hard thing. At my most recent 5K before the first mile was over I ran past a crying kid, maybe 8, who kept saying, “Dad, I don’t want to do this anymore!” though no dad was around to be seen. It was heartbreaking. I would have felt much better if his dad was running alongside him the whole way and could have either cheered him on or walked home with him right away.
I think the key is, and I believe you know it already, is blending your loves with your kids in your home/lives. Your kid can go hiking even if they end up not liking it for an afternoon but I imagine you will learn all about robots if that’s what Johann or other kids learn to love too. You will attend things like robot conventions even if it’s not how you want to spend a weekend. Families and love are about give and take, give and take.
Also, there are so many great ideas out now in this internet age about having kids as they mature take more and more responsibility in planning trips. Myquillyn from the Nester let her kids plan their entire spring break trip, choosing destination, creating a budget, etc. Obviously they are middle/high school age but there are many ways to start adding opinions and sharing responsibility at younger ages too. You’re already on that path!
Exactly, Jennifer! Our hope is that we are right alongside Johann doing things together – whatever those things may be. We are hopeful that the relationship-building will happen in the quiet unseen moments of showing love, listening to and understanding each other, and having everyone have a say and be engaged in what we do collectively. That’s exciting!
You’re not alone. I feel the same way too but I want to expose my kids to as much as possible and feel that they will learn to voice out their opinions. The more they are exposed it’s better for them. My daughter will turn 5 soon and is a very easy going kid. So far she has never(touchwood) used the word No much with exceptions to her brother. But the younger one on the other hand will turn three soon and he has been quite firm in voicing out his opinions and we definitely respect his choices.
Thanks for the encouragement, Anu!
Niha, your essay is very well written, and it’s wonderful for you to share your and your family’s life with the world. Also, Johann is simply the cutest!
I think it’s inevitable that we will want our children to share in things we enjoy and appreciate for what they are, and I also think it’s inevitable that they will not be interested in at least some of those things. So, perhaps the question of ‘why’ and the fear that our children may hate what we do or are about doesn’t have to leave us pondering at night or paralyzed with anxiety. It may leave us a little perplexed in what to do, but even though it may be uncomfortable to have children who are independent and have different interests than us, we should rejoice in them heading toward independence and help guide them in how to make wise choices not merely based on what they like or want to do or feel coerced to do or what’s ‘natural’. (Appetites aren’t a great guide for wise, unselfish decisions). It’s not easy to think that the children we give our lives to and offer so much of ourselves to may one day not like some of or all of the things we like and think would be good for them. But the reasons we raise children shouldn’t simply be for our own selves. They’re separate humans, eternal souls, and we ought not assume or convince ourselves that we own them now because of what we’ve invested in them.
As you’ve stated before, you place more importance on relationship, which is a key factor in anyone enjoying anything with anyone, related or otherwise. If we are truly confident that the other person/people value us for us, are not self-serving, won’t guilt us for not participating, and won’t be forceful in attempting to control every aspect of every facet of our lives (etcetera, really), then we are able to be in relationship with them. Without trust, there is no true relationship. So, if we have established a lasting relationship with our kids, it can be inevitable that our children will straight up enjoy hanging out with us no matter what we’re doing, even if they complain about certain aspects. For example, very few children will actually enjoy walking for miles uphill, carrying a large load on their backs, sweating, and going to the bathroom and sleeping outdoors. Not a ton of adults enjoy that either, but people can usually be persuaded occasionally if the right people ask and if the experience is well-fashioned and thought out with other people in mind. Aka, if you can trust the motives of the other persons because you’re in relationship with them. Furthermore, even if enjoyed, experiences are meaningless if there’s no processing of what’s at stake in the large picture. And if we don’t put relationship and value of person above our own desires and wishes and way, then we don’t see the large picture. At that point, we have factored out everything important, lasting, and capable of meaning.
The heart of the matter perhaps lies in what we value, because that perspective will drive our choices, creating the path we tread with our families. Children who understand the foundation of the values their parents hold will be more likely to engage with their parents regardless of the activity, even if they don’t enjoy it. For example, I am so grateful to my parents for making my foundational values very solid, secure, and clear through their example matching their words and beliefs. Thus, I didn’t hold it over them that they made me do things I really disliked. In fact, those things are almost a non-issue because I know that I can trust that they value me for me far above whatever activity and/or experience they wanted me to have. They were also never forceful about those things, and they encouraged me in the things that they saw were unique to me but very different from them, even when they didn’t understand it or like it themselves. And, because they knew by witnessing in me that I had a solid foundation of values they had passed to me, they weren’t afraid of my independence from them.
So, if we value what we’re doing to such a degree that it makes us worried, perhaps that focus is out of focus for the, ‘later is longer’ truth. Rather than merely appreciating experiences we want him to have, I would far more desire my husband’s and my child to unequivocally know that we value him for him. We want him to understand the foundation of our values as people so that he can make wise decisions in his life independently of us, including in the most vital area: his relationships. I want him to seek people who share the same values over the same activity interests, opinions, beliefs-because the latter is merely icing on the cake; if the former is missing, then that friendship or etcetera is heading toward pointless.
I know this topic is never spent. However, the heart of the matter for me is this: If we create a trust relationship with our child, my husband, I, and our child will be able to enjoy many different experiences together, maybe even dislike many experiences together too. But, first things first: create a trust relationship that clearly sets a foundation for our child’s values now and later. If he can’t process his life, experiences are a moot point-they merely happen.
Good points, Suzie.
Niha, it is a question I ask myself time and again!!! And I have pretty much come to the same conclusion that you have – We will try to expose him to as many different things as we can and then it is upto him to pick and choose. I have seen kids who LOVE their parenrs lifestyle and choices and I have seen kids who HATE it too… With my son who is now 3.5, I am noticing him expressing opinions and interests and I am learning to respect them…
Mahathi, it’s exciting to think about kids’ personalities developing so quickly! And slightly scary, at the same time.